Ronald Reagan

Jazz For Cows

It would be a shame to let 2011 get

away without one more round of the

"NEW HOT FIVE" serenading the cows.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Jolly Ol' Saint Nick

Occupy Anthem - I Don't Want To Work!

"SUMBITCH"

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the
middle of rural Elmore County, Alabama.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized
and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was
totally destroyed with only a burned hull left
smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking
mess but could find no remains of anyone.
Then they spotted the farmer plowing a field
not too far away as if nothing had happened.

They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer said unconcerned,
cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is Air Force One,

the airplane of the President of the United States?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out,"
"I done buried them all myself.

Took me most of the morning." said the farmer.

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't...
But you know how bad that sumbitch lies...

Liberal Q & A

1. Q: What do you get when you offer 
         a Liberal a penny for his thoughts?

    A: Change.


2. Q: How do you confuse a Liberal?

    A: You don’t. They’re born that way.


3. Q: Why is it good to have a Democrat passenger?

    A: You can park in the handicap zone.


4. Q: What’s the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?

    A: Elvis has been sighted.


5. A Democrat died and a friend went around collecting 
    for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to 
    donate ten dollars.

   “Ten dollars?” she said. “It only takes ten dollars to 
     bury a Democrat? 
     Here’s a hundred – go bury 10 of them!”


6. Q: How do you keep a Democrat busy?

    A: Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides 
        of a piece of paper.


7. Q: How do you keep a Liberal busy all day?

    A: Put him in a round room and tell him 
        to pee in the corner.


8. Q: What do you call a Democrat with an IQ of 130?

    A: A foursome.


9. Q: How do you get a one-armed Liberal out of a tree?

    A: Wave to him.


10. Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?

      A: A whine cellar.


11. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?

      A: 144 Democrats.

Sir, I would like a raise.

Employee: Excuse me, sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well, sir, as you know, I have been 

an employee of this prestigious firm for over 

ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. 

Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have 

four companies after me and so I decided 

to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, 

but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I 

know that the current economic downturn has 

had a negative impact on sales, but you must 

also take into consideration my hard work, 

proactiveness, and loyalty to this company for 

over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and 

considering I don't want to start a brain drain, 

I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and 

an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, 

what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, 

the Gas Company, the Water Company, 

and the Mortgage Company!

 

72 Virgins ?

When Obama died, George Washington
met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled,
"How dare you try to destroy the nation
I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached,
punched him in the nose and shouted,
"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed,
kicked him in the groin and said,
"This is why I allowed our government to
provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next,
beat Obama with a long cane and snarled,
"It was evil men like you who inspired me to
write the Declaration of Independence ."

The beatings and thrashings continued as
George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other
early Americans unleashed their anger on
the radical, socialist, leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.
Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS
waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said".....
"You really need to listen when someone is trying
to tell you something!"

Baptizing A Drunk

Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into
the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher
turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze.
Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks
him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
'Brother, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.
He pulls him out of the water and asks again,
'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk
in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs,
the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again,
'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

BREAKING NEWS

Barney Frank resigns from Congress
to pursue his dream job with TSA

SUMBICH!

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw
a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,
oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, “I have a 10 foot
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars
to anyone who has the nerve to jump in”.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear!
Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs,
throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting
the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air
like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to
the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says,
“Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”


“No, that's okay. I don't want it,” said Leroy

The rich man said,
“Man, I have to give you something you won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?”

“No thanks, I don't want it,” answered Leroy.

The host said,
“Come on, I insist on giving you something.
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and
a Rolex and some stock options?”

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked,
“Well, Leroy, then what do you want?”

Leroy said,
“I want the name of the Sumbich
who pushed me in the pool!”

You May Be a Taliban, If . . .

You May Be a Taliban, If ...

1.You refine heroin for a living,

    but you have a moral objection to beer.


2.You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher,

    but you can't afford shoes.


3.You have more wives than teeth.


4.You wipe your butt with your bare left hand,

    but consider bacon 'unclean.'


5.You think vests come in two styles:

    bullet-proof and suicide.


6.You can't think of anyone

    you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.


7.You consider television dangerous,

    but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.


8.You were amazed to discover that cell phones have

    uses other than setting off roadside bombs.


9.You've often uttered the phrase,

   'I love what you've done with your cave.'


10.You have nothing against women and

     think every man should own at least one.


11.You bathe at least monthly

      whether necessary or not.


12.You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

The Navy Invented Sex

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day
arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says,
'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies,
'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine.
'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact,
Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after
a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says,
'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says,
'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up
with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says......
'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true,
but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

~Discovery Announcement ~ The densest element in the known Universe has been found!

PELOSIUM

A major research institution has just announced the
discovery of the densest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named Pelosium.
Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons,
75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces
called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities
of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol of Pelosium is PU.

Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons
randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere
and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium
molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist
to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach
a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium,
an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy,
albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons
but twice as many morons as Pelosium.

"Not According To Daddy"

Hillary and Chelsea were talking during preparations
for Chelsea's up coming wedding. Hillary trying to be
a good mother said,
"So tell me Chelsea, have you had sex with Marc?"
Chelsea, without the slightest hesitation, replied:
"Not according to Daddy"

"Love Thy Neighbor"

Give Them A BS Remover For Christmas

NEW KITTENS

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the
sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a
basket containing a number tiny creatures; in her
hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there, little girl, I'm President Obama.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied,
"They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to
his car, he called his PR chief and told him about
the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men
agreed that the president should return the next day,
and, in front of the assembled media, have the girl
talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the
sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS"
when another motorcade pulled up, this time
followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up,
then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends
out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered,
"But... but... yesterday, you told me they were
DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."
_____________________________________________

Thanks to Elizabeth Cowen (of CIA) for this Gem

NewsBusted for Jan. 8, 2010

NewsBusted for 1-8-10

NewsBusted for Jan. 5, 2010

NewsBusted for 1-5-10

Senior health care solution, according to Maxine

Senior Health Care Solution

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets..
Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.
Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison.

There you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need!
New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.

And who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore..

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!